Steve Harvey Weighs in on the 2022 MLQ Championship
Author: Fiona Wisehart
The Family Feud host made time for us, in between shooting episodes of his new show, Judge Steve Harvey, to talk about the beautiful game and who he thinks will win the Benepe Cup this year.
I am interviewing Steve Harvey via Zoom. I am sitting in my office/bedroom and he is in what seems to be his office with a bookcase behind him. He is wearing his trademark suit and affable smile.
FW: Hi, there! Thanks for making the time to talk to me.
SH: Thank you! I’m always happy to get the chance to talk about my favorite sport!
FW: So, Steve, if I can call you that- [laughing nervously]
SH: You may not.
Fuck. Not a great start. I try to pull myself together. I’ve been sweating since before this interview started in a way I hope is not noticeable through my laptop’s camera and now I feel chilled.
PC: Major League Quidditch
FW: Okay… fair enough [laughing even more nervously]. Mr. Harvey, I’ll ask about the topic on everyone’s mind: what do you think of the name change?
Mr. H: Well, I think it was long overdue. Changing the name opens so many avenues for the sport that just weren’t possible before. Heck, even I changed my name so I could have more opportunities in this business!
FW: Very interesting! I did not know that. So, who are you rooting for to take home the Benepe Cup?
MR.H: The Washington Admirals! They’re the closest MLQ team to my hometown, and I always root for the hometown team.
FW: [turning around] Let’s see if it’s on the b—
MR.H: Now wait just a minute. You have one too? That’s im- that’s impossible. I was told I was the last remaining Board Symbiote.
FW: N-no, I’m sorry, it was a joke—
MR.H: A joke! You challenge me, and attempt to write it off as a joke! You’ve come to destroy me, just as I destroyed the last Steve Harvey.
FW: Well-what-no-I don’t—
MR.H: Well, I have been Harvey for many years now. You will not defeat me that easily. And then, once I have swatted you away like the fly you are, I will add your Board to my collection.
It’s difficult to see through the screen of my college laptop, which has reached an age that I like to call “vintage,” but it looks as though he’s begun to emit yellow, orange, and blue sparks.
The famous Family Feud Board phases seamlessly through the bookcase and, presumably, the wall behind him. It is ablaze with bright colors and is terrifying in its beauty.
He reaches forward, and his hand appears in front of me, sprouting directly from my aged screen. He grabs the edge of my desk and pulls himself through. I jerk away so hard that I fall out of my chair and onto the floor.
FW: Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is happening. Fuck. How did you fucking do that.
Steve Harvey smiles, but his smile is somehow too large for his face. What had started out as a few sparks has coalesced into tiny lightning bolts all over his skin. His eyebrows, now aflame, are blown off his face by a violent gust of wind.
My eyes are stinging. It hurts to look at him. I feel cold sweat drip down my spine.
He looms over me.
Every hair on my body is standing straight up. This close to him, I can feel the electricity emanating from him. The scent of burning hair grows more pungent and I can see my hair begin to smolder out of the corner of my eye.
MR.H: Little girl, didn’t you hear that Zoom had poor security features?
I can only gibber.
FW: Y-y-your eyebrows.
Steve Harvey holds out his hand and a gust of wind subserviently blows what is left of them into his palm. Up close, I can see that they’re held together with some sort of adhesive.
MR.H: It’s been eons since I’ve had hair. All power has a price, and it was a small price to pay for eliminating the other Board Symbiotes. Now, with all Boards in my possession, I am more powerful than those fools ever were.
Author’s Rendition
He looks at me, and his eyes shoot lightning bolts directly at me.
I scramble away. I don’t think I dodged his attack entirely— I can smell burning meat— but my heart would not be pounding so loud if I were dead.
MR.H: I guess I missed a Board, but, no matter. If the entire Council could not stand against me, there is no hope for you.
I desperately scan my bedroom for a weapon. In a last-ditch effort, I throw a pillow at him and attempt to dive into my closet while he’s distracted.
His eyes vaporize the pillow in an instant. He turns his terrible gaze to me.
But then, his eyes flick away. I follow his gaze to my handmade Family Feud Board, hanging over my bed. I had carefully positioned my laptop camera so it remained out of sight during my interview. I hadn’t wanted my idol to see my shoddy handiwork, lest he be embarrassed of having such an untalented fan.
He reaches out to touch it. His hand is gentle, but his face is impassive.
MR.H: Ah. I understand now. Your board is young.
FW: Wha—
MR.H: You have not yet begun your quest for power. I shall take my leave now. We will meet again.
He climbs onto my desk and slides into my laptop screen, feet-first. As he disappears, the room temperature warms.