Opinion: Where Are All the Mascots?
By: Jack Moseley
Gritty: People Magazine’s sexiest thing alive
Fellow humans, we gather here today to ask the big questions. The questions that really matter. What’s the meaning of life? What is our place in the universe? Where are all the mascots in Quidditch? After all, was there ever a better match than the one between the whimsiest sport of all and the most whimsical part of every other sport? Teams all across the US from high school to the pros have mascots. Ohio State has a walking nut, the Auburn Tigers have a bird (?), the Philadelphia flyers have whatever the fuck Gritty is. College Football Saturday wouldn’t be the same without Uga the Bulldog patrolling the Georgia sideline, so I ask again: why no mascots in Quidditch? Why has nobody thought to dress up like a bear and do a few backflips to pump up the fans? You can’t tell me none of us are keeping a bear suit in our closet. I won’t believe you. On my own team I’ve been trying to push “Professor Squirrel'' for years and it’s fallen on deaf ears. Many college teams don’t even have official names. If anything that only makes the opportunity to add a mascot even greater. It’s truly a blank canvas, and much like Bob Ross could show you how to paint a happy little landscape I’ll now tell you how to create a mascot that will excite even the surliest of fans.
Credit to Quincy Hildreth for designing our furry friend (the nutty professor)
The King Cake Baby: because its been too long since you’ve had a proper nightmare
Rule #1: Human mascots are tricky
Beyond pirates and cowboys, most human mascots are controversial for one reason or another. Whether creepy (ie. the Pelicans’ King Cake Baby Mascot) or just blatantly offensive (ie. Washington Football Team), it’s probably best to steer clear. They can’t cancel quidditch, but they can cancel you.
Uga: Forbes’ 3rd richest dog in America
Rule #2: Live animals are amazing
We all know the collective frenzy whenever there’s a dog in the vicinity of a tournament. Could you imagine how sick it would be if your coach showed up to a tournament wearing a python around their neck, or a chain of ferrets? Pretty sick. Also, imagine how fun it would be smuggling those crazy critters onto the plane to Nationals.
Rule #3: Fursuits are fun, but beware.
The Oregon Duck: my muse, my one and only
Dressing somebody up as a big fluffy animal is a classic, but it comes with a couple drawbacks. Anybody who’s ever been inside a mascot knows how hot it can get, so unless you’re using mascot duty to punish freshmen who refuse to goal ref you should probably go with something lighter. And don’t get me started about the seductive prowess of large animal suits. I’d give anything to get to second base with the Oregon Duck, and I know I’m not alone. Be careful who you let near the suit unless you want to hire a bouncer to pry people off.
The Stanford Tree: a testament to the dangers of performance enhancing fertilizer
Rule #4: The weirder the better
The association teams are trying to create when they dress somebody up as an apex predator is obvious. But a dancing tree? A fighting pickle? A psychopathic rug? What does it mean and why am I so scared!? Terrifying for opponents and fun for the fans, weird mascots are surefire cult classics.
Rule #5: Think about your parents
When you inevitably sell out and paste your new mascot all over merch to sell for “fundraising”, be prepared for your family members to wear it religiously. Do you really want your sweet old Grandma wearing a sweater with “Ned the Needle” to Church every Sunday? Didn’t think so.
What are you waiting for!? Find money in the budget to buy a pet mongoose. Stitch together a homemade sloth costume. Whatever you do, get out there and show the fans a good time!