Potential Name Changes for Quidditch
By: Fiona Wisehart and Jack Moseley
The scientists at Quidhole have conducted their own independent analysis of the optimal names for the sport soon-to-be-formerly-known-as quidditch. These are their findings.
Quidhole
“Hole” as in “hoop”
Raw, sexual energy
We’re willing to take one for the team and allow usage of “Quidhole” at a special premium for former quidditch players and leagues!
Dodgeball
We challenge them to an epic battle. When all hope seems lost, we break out flubber and win the rights to call our sport “dodgeball”
Quiller
Starts with a “q”
Call to mind both “quill” and “killer”
Reflects our sport of nerdy (don’t even try us on this. If you’re literate, you’re an automatic nerd) people who could use some time in therapy to work on their anger management issues
UwU-dditch
No explantion necesarry
Broomsport
What if we based the new name on a different, completely un-problematic movie franchise? Enter: Bloodsport ft. Jean-Claude Van Damme. They even wear headbands in the movie!
Washington Sportball Game
Let’s hope a year from now we’re not still referring to “the sport that must not be named”
Quidgame
Hey, that sounds like the show LOL!
Bonus idea: if you card out of a game the refs “put you down”
Beat-Boxing
We should name the sport after the superior position
This message was paid for by the beater gang superpac
We can replace the names for the balls with different mouth beats
Quicken
At this point, we’re just throwing out every word that starts with q and hoping something sticks
If you tell your parents you spent all day doing “Quicken” they might think you’ve actually grown up. Wouldn’t it be nice if they didn’t cry when you hung up the phone?
Quickstrike
While we’re joking about name changes we have to mention the biggest joke of them all
Here’s a fun challenge: try to say “Quickstrike” three times fast without gagging
Sporty McSport Face
We’re serious